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The Unfinished Spelling Errors of Bolkien

The Loo Break Song...Lyrics
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(To the tune of The Battle Hymn of the Republic.)

 

My eyes have seen the glory of the return of the king,

It was three long hours of movie to destroy a single ring.

But my bladder would be gladder if they'd melt the bloody thing,

And bring the credits on.

 

Oh, good lord I need a loo break,

Oh, good lord I need a loo break,

Oh, good lord I need a loo break,

But the film keeps rolling on.

 

It started many years ago, when Sauron ruled the land,

But Gil-Galad and Isuldur set out to thwart his plan.

Young Isuldur defeated him and cut of half his hand,

But the film keeps rolling on.

 

Much later on in Mount Doom where the hobbits come at last,

Frodo gives Smeagol the finger and them Gollum gets the shaft.

The ring and he both melted, how we clapped and cheered and laughed,

But the film keeps rolling on.

 

Oh, good lord I need a loo break,

Oh, good lord I need a loo break,

Oh, good lord I need a loo break,

But the film keeps rolling on.

 

Outside now on Oroduin, with lava at their back,

They're suffering suffocation  and a sentment attack.

The Hobbits fade to sielence as the film fades to black,

And I thought that it was done.

 

But the film flickers on again, my bladder gives a scream,

The eagles come and rescue them and they rejoin their team.

A happy ending after all, at least that's what it seems,

But the film keeps rolling on.

 

Oh, good lord I need a loo break,

Oh, good lord I need a loo break,

Oh, good lord I need a loo break,

But the film keeps rolling on.

 

Back again in gondor and the king sings to his folks,

These many movie enings are kind of cruel hoax.

I wish I hadn't drunk those extra king-sized Hobbit cokes,

But the film keeps rolling on.

 

Arwen meets her king and it's exactly as she feared,

She told him to get shaved, instead the mongrel's grown a beard.

But finaly, fanale, and the Hobbits are all cheared,

But the film keeps rolling on.

 

Oh, good lord I need a loo break,

Oh, good lord I need a loo break,

Oh, good lord I need a loo break,

But the film keeps rolling on.

 

Another day, another place, we're back now in The Shire,

My back teeth are now floaing and I thing I might expire.

Frodo finished his book and tells young Sam he must retire,

But the film keeps rolling on.

 

Down to The Grey Havens where the swan proud ships all float,

Frodo says his last farewells while the hobbits sob and dote.

But my bladders sreaming "Stop the hugging, board the f**king boat!",

But the film keeps rolling on.

 

Oh, good lord I need a loo break,

Oh, good lord I need a loo break,

Oh, good lord I need a loo break,

But the film keeps rolling on.

 

And finaly when everybody's sailed across the sea,

I've lost the will to live and I've forgotten how to pee.

And from the mad dash to the exits I can tell it's not just me,

This film is...rather long.

 

Oh, great lord of the Valar, grant us all your godly powers,

Have pitty on our bladders when the DVD's are ours.

The three extended versions will be something like twelve hours,

This film is rather long.

 

So when Frodo goes walking with three of his folks,

and joins in a quest with another five blokes,

and Gimli is telling his dwarf-tossing jokes,

and Gandalf is killed by a demon that smokes,

Galadrial askes what the mirror revokes,

Sauruman [?],

It's raining in Rohan and Legolas soaks,

merry and pippin are [?],

Faramir fights when his daddy provokes,

Gollum is planning his homoside hoax,

Rohan is riding and Theoden croaks,

And Eyowin's handing out terminal pokes,

 

When Frodo succeeds in the ultimate act,

Just remember your urinal-genital tract...

 

And don't forget to have loo break,

Don't forget to have loo break,

Don't forget to have loo break,

This film is rather long.

 

One more time now!

Don't forget to have loo break,

Don't forget to have loo break,

Don't forget to have loo break,

This film is rather long.